War-Town War-Room News Blurp: Narcotics Unit Serves Sacrificial Lamb! -

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War-Town War Room Anchor at The War-Town Times

27 time winner of the "Nebraska Tomato Soup Can" award, Bunty Mills has brought his pristine brilliance & professionalism to broadcast journalism to six people in a mule shed in Wyoming for 30 of his 82 year career. Most popularly known as the voiceover actor in a Vitalis Hair Tonic radio spot in 1958, Bunty Mills has recently been brought to the forefront of broadcasting in War-Town with his War-Room News Blurps.

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Completely Impartial when it comes to investigating the Po-Po

This just in from the fictional city of War-Town, Georgia; in a completely unexpected outcome after a month-long investigation by the district attorney’s office whose findings were completely not dictated in anyway by the Georgia Bureau of Investigation looking over its shoulder; a lone gunman…er…loner bad apple….um…one bad actor is served up to the public! John Tyler Harvey was cast in the role of sacrificial lamb for the War-Town Narcotics Unit investigation that began in April after someone coerced by the officer of the narcotics unit to sell methamphetamine and or fentanyl to the public, tattle told to their privately-owned, for-profit probation officer. Yikes! This little slip of the tongue by what the narcotics unit would call a “confidential informant”, or a drug dealer that is actively sanctioned by the W.R.P.D. to sell drugs for some greater moral purpose, evidently triggered a mysterious third party who clearly cannot be the “confidential informant’s” probation officer that had no clue what to do after hearing that a probationer in War-Town was instructed to sell drugs by an officer in the ranks of the W.R.P.D but call the district attorneys office to figure out how best and fast to make the controversary go poof as quiet as possible as soon as possible. Because…public trust!

Lone Gunman, Bad Actor, Sole Rotten Apple, John Tyler Harvey

City officials otherwise known as public servants or employees of We the People People of War-Town were extremely tight lipped and on script with vague details back on April 11^th, after the snitch in question triggered a series of events which brought about the interim chief of the War-Town Po-Po department, Roy Whitehead, not to be confused with third cousin 4^th removed, Blane Zitt, to place the entire six member narcotics unit on administrative leave with tax-payer cookies! Placing the entire narcotics unit on administrative leave was probably a good thing for the people of War-Town in that during such time they at least could rest comfortably knowing not quite as much meth as usual was being distributed throughout the city. Additionally, it would paint the public relations image that officials are tough on misconduct with the Po-Po whenever one or more of them is caught breaking the law to uphold the law because that makes complete sense and is just hunky-dory to do so long as you have a license to break the law most recognized as a shiny badge!

After the really fast, really vague, month short investigation into the reports from a “confidential informant”, who was told to sell methamphetamine and/or fentanyl without a shiny badge from a guy with a shiny badge; it was evidently determined that if there was one thing for certain, it was that “one bad actor” John Tyler Harvey was most certainly not communicating in any way with his fellow narcotic unit officers in any form about any case he was working or “confidential informant” he may or may not have been working with. I mean, why would any of the other officers of the six-member narcotic unit have any reason whatsoever, to know what each other were doing on any given case? So that’s completely reasonable to believe. Anyhoo, moving onto the fact that “one bad apple” John Tyler Harvey, who absolutely and completely is the only officer responsible for any wrongdoing at all because to say otherwise is to assume that the entire unit or W.R.P.D. might come under suspicion for naughtiness and we can’t have that now because, ya know, public trust – aforementioned officer, Harvey, submitted his resignation on Wednesday, May 24^th. This was very convenient for city officials and local news media outlets in that the next wave of comments could include the phrase “Former Narcotics Unit Officer” in the same line as “has been sentenced.” Had “lone gunman”, “bad apple-actor“, John Tyler Harvey not done this deed, folks would have been forced to say, “Narcotics Officer has been sentenced…” and we can’t have that phrase running around town, now can we?

In a completely surprising twist not indicative of any backroom deals or anything, Harvey was found guilty of one count of Violation of Oath by a Public Officer by Superior Court Judge G.E. “Bo” Adams on Thursday, according to a news release from the Houston County District Attorney’s Office. Which was fantastic timing as John Tyler Harvey had just one day prior made the completely moral epiphany of a decision to resign! Harvey was sentenced to a five-year probated sentence from the court which maybe passed through a grand jury at some point, but who knows? Apparently in the judgment of the court and its bar association members only club, what justice in this situation looks like is charging a very cooperative lamb dinner, former narcotics unit officer John Tyler Harvey, who assisted in the distribution of methamphetamine and/or fentanyl with something other than distribution of methamphetamine and/or fentanyl. While it would stand to reason that if anyone in War-Town that did not at some point possess a shiny badge were to be detained with 10-16 ounces of methamphetamine and/or fentanyl (that’s 453.592 grams!) they’d be gone for life – in the wisdom of the War-Town halls of gubment – if youre a cop such an offense is only worth the slightest slap on the wrist. Because, well… public trust!

Obligatory Picture of a Cop Car equipped with Orwellian Ideals

Why “completely solo in all the naughtiness“, John Tyler Harvey, was not charged with GA Code § 16-13-30 has not been mentioned by anyone in local gubment but they certainly haven’t stated because they aren’t about to send a cop to a cage for over 400 years like they would anyone else caught doing the same thing. Nope, they haven’t said that at all, nor have they implied that if John Tyler Harvey were a minority from the north side who had been accused and found guilty of possession and or distribution of 10-16 ounces of methamphetamine and/or fentanyl but had never worn a badge, he would be in corporate indentured servitude prison before the six o’clock news. In fact, if John Tyler Harvey were a badge less, minority from the north side of War-Town who knowingly and willingly distributed throughout the community the very thing the entire narcotics unit is supposed to most certainly NOT be doing; you would never hear about him on the news at all! In addition to no one in the gubment feeling they should address the disproportionate charges and sentencing of “completely up to no good all by himself former narcotics unit officer“, John Tyler Harvey, they also didn’t address why charging him with treason was a complete no-no either. What we do know is that all of us can most certainly rest easy knowing that despite all questions or concerns We the People of War-Town may have after this story broke; the system itself assures us that the notion of systemic corruption is a complete loony toon idea. After all, if it weren’t so, “one bad actor”, “solo bad apple”, “completely lone gunman”, “sacrificial lamb“, John Tyler Harvey wouldn’t have thrown himself on his own sword in front of all our very eyes. Now, would he?