The Hillbilly Borg Collective VS. LaRhonda Patrick

Alan Merrit

 

Ah, the Hillbilly Borg. While just as dangerous, territorial and collectivized as the actual Borg, the Hillbilly Borg at least make you chuckle while you try to avoid becoming assimilated into their ridiculous quest for neo-conservative perfectionism because they talk funny and you hear banjo’s in the back of your mind anytime you do battle with them. Here’s a Hillbilly Borg joke you might find amusing; what do you call an entire Hillbilly Borg Cube filled with neo-conservative drones? A full set of teeth. Anyway, moving on. Most of you are unaware of the terminology in which I use and how I use it so please allow me to take you on a journey through my eyes for a moment so that you can better grasp the concept I am speaking of here.

You walk into city hall to pay your wa-wa bill even though you don’t have to, just so you can feel what the vibe is since the most recent election for mayor; where the incumbent got bounced out in a record high turnout run-off race that was just as exciting as watching the climax of a good episode of Star Trek: Discovery or something. Now, if you are experiencing through my senses, which you should be, you are aware that the framed picture of the current mayor hanging above the lobby hasn’t had much of a change in the area of monotony since…well…the founding of the city. What that looks like is a very long line of former, framed mayors that have rotated from that spot which all resemble what one would expect to be produced by the Hillbilly Borg Collective; a long line of pasty pink, neo-conservative males rotating out of some republican party cube that meets at the barbeque joint every first Sunday of the month to pretend they have read the Constitution before. As your eyes move from the pic of the outgoing mayor, to the folks filling the lobby to pay their utility bills you just can’t resist to point up and say aloud, “Hey everybody! After the New Year that thing is coming down and we are gonna finally add some color to city hall.”

Of course, the reference to adding color to city hall is funny for a few reasons, especially in the middle of the South, and the obvious answer is probably rattling around your head at this very moment but your internal politically correct thought cop is urging you not to blurt it out so I will go ahead and say the unsavory things you are thinking anyway. It’s funny because the incoming, record breaking, history making Mayor that will be swearing in, LaRhonda Patrick, just so happens to be a woman with melanin…oh, and she might have run on the democrat ticket, but you don’t really know because you didn’t really ask because you’re too thoughtful to actually give a shit about the validity of a party over the validity of an individual. Now sure, on paper racism is not supposed to be a thing in the south anymore, especially when it comes to politics, right? I mean, heaven forbid such archaic philosophies are still held by the Hillbilly Borg Collective in Georgia so we won’t just come out and say they are racist in their attitudes because, ouch, that would sting. What we will say though, is if you can’t nail em with racism, you sure can slap the word prejudice on them with ease because they wear that word very well as the rest of this narrative shall illustrate.

You grab your ticket and get a few fist bumps from other’s who heard you and are just as giddy as schoolboys and girls about the new Mayor soon to swear her oath. Smiles all around and much conversation on the absolute necessity for the citizens of your town to remain vigilant in their observation and protection of the mayor’s office for the next four to eight years, as you all know how nasty the Hillbilly Borg Collective can get when they don’t get to assimilate your culture into their neo-conservative mecca. You and everyone around you agree to continue to spread the word throughout the community that LaRhonda Patrick will need all the support she can get well past inauguration day, especially when the Hillbilly Borg regroup and attempt to once again invade our space with more big government wet dreams and a list of talking points from neo-conservative talking heads that do their thinking for them. Just when the feeling of community and camaraderie seem to be the order of the day in the lobby of city hall; one of the Hillbilly Borg Drones entered and all fall silent…except for the faint sound of some Jerry Goldsmith score playing ever so low in the back of your mind.

The Drone appeared to have been in his mid to late 50’s when he was assimilated and apparently at an all you can eat suthin’ cookin’ buffet, as his 30-year-old Ted Nugent T-shirt still had giblet gravy stains trailing from the ancient cotton and onto his obtuse navel area. The Drone beep-boop-beeped the ticket machine. The ticket machine clicked, whirred, buzzed then spat out his number. The Drone snatches his number, turns on one heel causing a booming tennis shoe screech and makes his way towards where you are sitting. Again, he turns, allowing you the terrifying view of his completely inadequate belt giving all it has to hold up his wrangler’s from behind, but horrifyingly failing at it. Almost as if you and the crowd were watching the collapse of a building or the buckling of a bridge underneath the violence of an earthquake; all hold their breath as the portly Hillbilly Borg Drone begins his descent to sit in the government issued, plastic chair that has about a 50/50 shot at actually supporting him long enough for that ticket number to be called. Before his ass cheeks have settled in the seat his gaze is already moving up and to the right where the aforementioned picture of the current mayor still hangs. His right arm begins to robotically raise as his phalanges form a fist with index finger extended with laser precision towards the face of the outgoing know-nothing. He then shifts back in his chair to apparently speak in earshot of you, huffing very forcibly:

I…WANT…HIM…TO…HAVE…ANOTHER…TERM.”

You look around to see if anyone else is under the impression the Drone is speaking to them and quickly ascertain that it is in fact you he is addressing with low tone. You do not know this Drone and to your knowledge have never met this Drone, so it does cause a bit of confusion in your mind as to why he felt the need to share his disgruntled desire with you. With a quick process of elimination you deduce, as Sherlock would, that when you eliminate the impossible whatever remains, no matter the probability, is the Truth and the Truth in this situation is that the Hillbilly Borg Collective Drone must have felt compelled to share his statement with you and only you due to the fact that everyone else in the lobby happened to be of a darker skin pigmentation and in his neo-conservative drone brain that translates to having the same thoughts, feelings and motivations as he. This swift realization irks you. As it should. At which point you decide to lean forward very close to the Hillbilly Borg Drone’s ear and say at a louder volume than he: “WELL…YOU…CAN’T…HAVE…WHAT…YOU…WANT.”

You can feel every other eye in the lobby looking at you from the corners of skulls just above barely suppressed smiles and snickers as the Hillbilly Borg Drone cranes his neck back towards you in shock.

“Do what?” the Drone asks.

“I said, you can’t have what you want. See, you leaned back and you whispered to me that you wanted the outgoing mayor to have another term but we live in a Republic and with those is this whole election process thing which your fella up there did not win. That being the case, he isn’t going to be getting another term so…you can’t have what you want.” You reply through friendly smile.

“I knew’d he lost the election. I knew’d that. I still want him to have another term though.” The Hillbilly Borg Drone spat, disappointed with facts.

“Yeah, sorry about that. Elections don’t really work that way though, so that fella is out of office come the first of the year. No worries though, I think the city is gonna be in good hands.” You reply.

The Drone, who has still yet to make eye contact, begins shaking his head in the fashion of a toddler but old, overweight and slightly naiver than a child. The tone of his next statements even echoes a spoiled brat that didn’t get his way with “NO…WE…ARE…NOT!

“Really? You don’t think Mayor Patrick is going to do a good job when she gets in office?” You ask.

NO, I DO NOT. She wants street law.”

“Street law? What’s that?”

“She wants to do dat dere, defund the po-lease stuff.” The Drone parrots.

“Ya think?” you ask.

“I KNOW.” He answers.

“Wow, that’s like…well that’s like insane to hear. How exactly is she going to do that? Ya know, defund the police and all?”

“Uh,…do what now?”

“How exactly is Mayor Patrick going to do that? Defund the police and all that jazz?”

“Well,…um…I don’t rightly know but I just know that’s what she’s a gonna do.” The Hillbilly Borg Drone sputters.

“Oh, because you’ve spoken to Mayor Patrick and she told you that she wanted to defund the police and have street law in the city where she and her family live then?” You ask sincerely.

“Uh…um…no. I have not spoken to her.”

“I see. Let me make sure I understand what you are saying then: you haven’t spoken to Mrs. Patrick at all about this issue, you don’t exactly know how an individual would even go about defunding the police if they wanted to, why they would want ‘street law’ in the town where they live, work and raise a family and without any of these critical pieces of information you are absolutely certain that this entire scenario you are fearful of is an actual thing that is going to happen? This is why you want the outgoing mayor to have another term?”

At this point the snickers and smiles from those listening was beginning to break free as the Hillbilly Borg Drone’s eyes began to dance back and forth, cross, then go in different directions as he attempted to process why someone of his similar pigmentation could be so confused on the propaganda which should be easy enough to remember from the Hillbilly Hive.

“You sure do use a lot of words.” The Drone stammered.

“Yeah, I suppose I do use a lot more words than thirty second political ads which deliberately distort an Individual’s platform and misinform folks too intellectually slothful to research or do their due diligence on what candidates are actually saying rather than what their team sports side wants them to believe they are saying. You see, the ironic thing is that I actually spoke to LaRhonda Patrick before she totally killed the election…about this very topic no doubt, of defunding the police and turns out that all that stuff you said she wants to do…well, that’s not apart of her agenda at all.” You respond.

“Do what now? You spoke to her?”

“I did as a matter of fact, as did a lot of other people in this city that voted for her. She’s kinda hip like that. Ya know, listening to people and stuff. We spoke for quite some time as a matter of fact about this whole ‘defund the police’ thing and turns out the only time LaRhonda Patrick and defund the police can really be found in the same place is in a deceitfully edited attack ad that ran before the election put out by that guy in that picture right up there. Now if you can follow me around the lake, you should be putting two and two together to realize that the guy up there; you know, the guy who has had two terms is deceitful. To take someone’s words, poorly twist them, then present them to the public as her actual words is blatantly dishonest and if someone is that dishonest while trying to get a job, chances are they will be just as if not more dishonest if you are dumb enough to rehire them. Now sir, do you want a dishonest person to have another term in the mayor’s office just so you can pat yourself on the back for being on some imaginary ‘winning team’ that thinks you are ignorant enough to fall for that kind of buffoonery or would you rather the right thing happen for your city and someone with a clean slate and way more qualifications get in there and take a crack at it?” You say with your best olive leaf voice.

From behind you can see the Hillbilly Borg Drone twitching a bit, his earlobes turning red, his fat phalanges rubbing the ink of the ticket in his hands and you silently say a prayer that somehow or another the programming in his logic given to him by the Hillbilly Hive will bust wide open and another mind might be free. As they say though, hope in one hand and yadda yadda yadda. The Drone’s number is called by the equally robotic voice over the intercom and the chair exhales a ‘praise jeebus’ as he rises from the plastic chair that could. The Hillbilly Borg Drone turns to face you, tugs down his Ted Nugent T-Shirt and proceeds to point his index finger at you before making his exit hissing, “YOU JUST WATCH AND SEE. STREET LAW!

And there you have it, the sad yet predictable response to facts, logic and reason by a willingly ignorant drone of the Hillbilly Borg Collective. Of course, this type of behavior and latent thinking is nothing new for anyone who has attempted to bring sobriety to an otherwise intoxicated political system long overdue for an intervention. For them it isn’t really about moving forward as a community or finding common ground rather than battle ground with people who look, speak and believe a little different. It’s not about listening to those outside of your specified comfort group or communicating at all. It’s about team sports. Red versus Blue, party versus party and end runs toward one extreme because your perceived opponents are running to the other. This type of thinking in politics is designed to do one thing: tear people apart. And it has shown historically to be exceedingly efficient at it.

This is the major challenge LaRhonda Patrick will contend with during her tour of duty as Madam Mayor, and simply put it is not to buttress the side of the machine she came in from nor to destroy the side that is prejudice against her before she even swears in. Her major challenge will be in finding a third avenue of thinking to the right versus left narrative that was scripted long before she ever aspired to be mayor. If she is to be successful, as we hope and pray she will be, her feet will need to stay planted on the ideals of the Republic as outlined in the Constitution, her hands will need to move to assist the betterment of all who have been endowed by their Creator with unalienable rights and her voice will need to always advocate on the side of the individual despite the will of the masses, be they red or blue, supporters or detractors. This will be no easy task for the new Madam Mayor, especially deep in Hillbilly Borg territory where most of the resistance she will face is so entrenched in party politics on a national scale they actually never stop to think that perhaps that is what is making smaller communities so sick to begin with. The United States isn’t the town you live in and the town you live in isn’t the United States therefore operating under the philosophies of a two-party system is simply doing one more step in the dance of a pied piper; and believe me the individual like you and I aren’t holding the flute.

To close, yes the Hillbilly Borg Collective has suffered a beautifully horrific defeat in the election of Madam Mayor Patrick and all free thinkers such as you and I are gleefully overjoyed about that deep in the heart of the South. However, the time to celebrate will soon come and go and the time for perpetual vigilance on our part will be required at city hall. It is incumbent upon we who assisted and supported her in her victory to remain attentive, active and always on the moral high ground because if history has shown anything it has shown that the Hillbilly Borg will retreat, regroup, and soon return to again attempt assimilation of our diverse cultures into their neo-conservative, big government, world policing, empire building, banjo-playing cluster fuck of a vision for the future of America.

 

A SONG TO PLAY US OUT…

Listen to the ZEN in the CAR Stream!

About Alan Merrit 18 Articles
Alan Merrit is an author, private speaker, social commentator and holds six origami champion medals in four counties. He has dedicated most of his public life to the furtherance of Polygamist Rights advocacy but only does that as a gag because he finds the institution of marriage a joke in and of itself. Alan lives and writes from Wellston Georgia where he can faithfully be found perfecting his cynical viewpoints on politics, society and anything else in need of being brought down a peg or two with exquisite contempt.

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